2/20-3/8

2/20: I like watching the different seasons, but sometimes they feel like they last too long.
2/21: I have been overwhelmed so much lately that it is starting to feel normal and feeling just 'whelmed is kind of a let down. I like things to remain to big.
2/23: I am a sensitive and pretty grace filled person most of the time, but when it comes to adults blaming their parents my empathy runs out and I just want people to take some responsibility.
2/24: Having a baby wouldn't be the end of the world. But I cannot go with the whole Rufus thing...nope
2/26: I am becoming a biker, I fear this will be like the time I became a runner. It got hard and cold, so I stopped.
2/28: I don't think I actually form habbits like a normal person.
3/1: Not having cable isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. We talk more and look at eachother more, its nice. We recently learned that the average mairred couple talks to eachother for just 12 minutes a day. This is terrifying. How is it possible? If we become like that, I will do something crazy to stop it. Something bizzare and crazy, belive you me.
3/2: "I know that she's a liar, when I look into her eyes. But I belive in every word she says. She's out to start a fire burning everything I have. I can't put it out, it's all inside my head. But then you sing, then you sing."
3/3: Baking is theaputic, till I eat it all.
3/4: Some people can just give her the look and she follows the wordless instructions; I do not have the look.
3/5: Sitting on his lap is more comfortable than sitting next to loud eating noises. I will always choose the lap over the smack.
3/6: When I notice men looking when were at bars, I kiss extra hard just to ruin it. I love the look right after that kiss.
3/7: Eye contact is hard. I can only look at her when we joke, otherwise I am scared she will see right through me and say things I don't want to hear. It sounds louder when I look at her.
3/8: My mom told me she felt like she put those playmobile people away just yesterday, but it was nearly 15 years ago. Looking at my toys gave both of us funny feelings.

2/12-2/20

2/12: I have watched too much reality TV. I stare at people and watch them; they notice me because they aren't on television.
2/13: Nights in are almost always better than nights out. Comfort food and coziness should never be underestimated.
2/14: I was surprised for the first time on Valentines day. No flowers. But so imperfectly right. I love this, I love that we get to have first anniversaries and first valentines day all over again.
2/15: I don't understand it when people say that they are worried about becoming more like their mothers. I really hope to become half as sweet/ dedicated/ internal and externally beautiful as my mom.
2/16: I have always underestimated the value of community. The women I am with on Monday nights are changing my life so profoundly. Age has never meant so little. They are so inspiring, I have never met such transparent and vulnerable people, they are teaching me so much more than I ever could have imagined. I cannot believe that such a painful process is something that I look forward to. This makes me feel truly joyful and truly broken hearted. I think the concept of refiners fire is starting to hit.
2/17: The view in my office is unchanging, other than the various sugary treats that sit to my left.
2/18: I know no less than 6 pregnant women.
2/20: Working in an office is making me want to be done with school and get on with life and never sit so much ever again.

2/11/09

I always thought Wisdom teeth were kind of a myth....now I am thinking I was wrong. I hate them. I think I need some serious drugs to withstand this kind of pain....ugh

2/10/09

Stage fright is not something I have ever really had to deal with. In high school singing solos would sometimes make me a little nervous right before, but as soon as I started it would all dissipate and get easy. Slam poetry is just a very different story. I start shaking when I think about it. With roughly 24 hours before our first scored slam I am all ready feeling like I could puke and am shaking. I have only practiced in front of my television, and let me tell you a muted Paula Deen makes for a mighty kind audience (she is so smiley!). I am pretty convinced that all of the people that walked past my apartment think I am a raving crazy lady also...oops. Anyway. OBSERVATION: Stage fright is the worst. Ever.

Observation: DAD

My dad is really above and beyond. He is the one who gave me a love for words, a love that actually pushed me into school and legitimately working on something I care about instead of just doing enough. My Dad is loving and caring and not only a great Dad but also the best Sibling, Child, Grandpa and Husband out there. I am going to give one ....two observations about things I really love about my Dad.

1. He read to me. And still will. He read me stories before I went to bed and this wouldn't be a big deal, except that this went on until I moved out for college. We made it through multiple classics, some not so classic and the Super Fudge book more times than anyone should....not really it is such a great book!

2. He isn't a man for talking so much. But he writes love letters. Love poems and generally wonderful things. Getting mail freshman year just from my Dad and to me, was so special and wonderful. Nothing can compare to a love poem to a daughter from a wonderful father, and my Dad wrote/writes these for me more often than any one could ever ask for or expect.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being my Dad and thank you for giving me my passion for words, not that I really proved that in this post but I promise I am becoming a better writer!
Now, here are way to many pictures...its wonderful. Happy Birthday Dad!

02/05-07

2/5: Without the close relationships I have made these last couple of years I wouldn't be nearly as brave as I am today. I am so thankful for making friends who care about me and who push me to be braver than I was the day before. Thanks belles.
2/6: The computer at my work sits much to close to my face. Sometimes I worry I won't ever see in more than 2 dimensions; I spend to much time in this place. And WWU pays me allot considering all of the budget issues.
2/7: I am suspicious of my brothers television recommendations. Also, I am coming to terms with my family being strange and different and I think I actually really like how different and odd we all are. I wouldn't go so far as saying we are all puzzle pieces or anything like that. But, I think that we are great challenges for each other and I like that. Also, I am glad I am a chameleon. Also, kids are the best bumper/peace makers/fun inducers that have ever been. Seriously. I love my family.

2/4/09

I really miss my grandma. My brother was talking with my mom about it and his way of explaining how the loss feels a year later made allot of sense.
You know that one place you always put your coat when you come in the door, or that space that you sit in and it just feels the best when your reading, or that place where your keys go and they go there every day, the loss is that thing is just gone. And everyday you still expect it to be there, the habit isn't dead and you just wait for your chair or hook or little drawer to come back. But it isn't there anymore. That familiarity and safe feeling place is just gone.

playing catch up...

1/30/09 Women in workout videos, no matter what, have odd belly buttons.

1/31/09 All at once I feel like I never go home to see family and then in the same breath I can look at my credit card statement and know for a a fact that my car and gas comsumption says something entirely different.
2/1/09 I am really torn about this month of february...I am suspicious. On one hand feb holds some good birthdays (and a new baby on the 10th!) On the other it holds so much sadness that the first few days will be spent thinking about that and then after I don't want to be happy birthdaying.
2/2/09 I need to have more habits. Getting to church this morning was so wonderful. I accomplished alot today and ate even more, also I don't get football.
2/3/09 My husband is really adorable. He thought the superbowl was prerecorded...haahhahahahha

1/29/09

Fog is terrifying for bicyclists, and a little thrilling. I know that I am shifting from visible to invisible as I make my way up the hill. The poor car behind me.. "now you see me, now you don't". Is it wrong to wonder about slamming on my breaks and getting lightly pushed over by the little car behind me, I could make allot of money I think. But, probably not and I love my little yellow bike too much to get it more scratched up that it all ready is by my accident prone turns.

1/28/09

This is consuming my Wednesday nights, and the hours that follow the show because I get so sleepy and full of crazy/scary LOST dreams.
Ellie (cute girl with gun from other island)= Eloise Hawking= Daniels Mom and
Ellie+ Charles Widmore (WOWOWOW He is on the island??)= Penny AND! (blow your mind!) Daniel= SIBLINGS.
Yeah, this isn't going to help me with my fiction writing, but it would be a lie do say that I noticed anything at all today.


Here we have the man of the equation.


Here we have the mother (also..notice same name as the rat that Daniel is doing his experiments on re: "Tell me you know about Eloise!"




And here we have their babies...all grown up. Do we see a resemblance?

1/27/09

I think that I enjoyed theological discussions allot more before I really knew anything. In junior high I could just use big words and make anything up that I wanted, I was very convincing. Now that I know things, they are really frustrating. Because I cannot always convince people...
Also, debating the bible can be fun, doing it while running up a huge hill can be more fun because sometimes your aggressive 'discussion' can actually propel you really far. Who knew?

1/26/09

Having my hands smell like fresh garlic, onions and carrots is one of my favorite things ever. Forget lotions, bring on homemade soup.

Also, just to show you all how weird Charlie and I really are...here is how we dressed up for the LOST season premire...also I look scared because I am...WE JUST CRASHED ON AN UNKNOWN ISLAND! and Charlie looks happy because he hasn't kicked the drug habbit yet and is super high...just so you know. Were season one.

1/18-1/25/09

1/18/09
Little girls in church are not nearly at interesting to watch at little boys, this 'little' age extends from birth all the way through 9th grade. At the 9th grade point boys become predictably annoying and girls become endlessly funny to watch.
1/19/09
I don't get 'the mondays'. Everything is so quiet and calm on mondays. They are long and homework and work ridden but always greeted with a good nights sleep :)But this monday is glorious, no school. Just wonderful friends and too many disks of LOST to count but WE WILL WATCH AGAIN!
1/20/09
Slam poetry makes my heart pound in fear almost more than spiders do. I am not really the 'stage fright' kind of girl, but this class is terrifying to the max. I don't know how I will make it through the quarter with out shaking out of control and puking on my poor sweet souther profersor...who I always want to hug.
1/21/09
I do get a mean case of 'the wednesdays', or maybe just 'the mean reds'. What a lame day. Long and without the weekend sleep that I start monday off with...ugg. But...tonight is LOST so nothing can get me down!!

1/22/09
I thought that watching too much TV broke my brain. I think I was right.
1/23/09
Being treated like a taxi makes me really angry.
1/24/09
"Look at the little girl in the corner, she is so sweet. Look at her, look, Autumn, look"
"What is in the house that everybody needs? What is in the house that everybody needs? What is in the house that everybody needs?"
THE CREEPY THINGS my husband says in his sleep.
1/25/09
People say the first year of mairrage is the hardest, so far 6 months has been really fun. Heres hoping!

1/17/09

Old Fashioned Ice Cream Therapy.

Therapy sessions with girlfriends are almost always more productive than therapy with a therapist. And less expensive. And you can watch dumb TV while you do it. And you can wear your pajamas.

1/16/09

At work I sit with my back to a window. This was the only way that all of technology stuff would work out...so I love the days that it is sunny. There is a glare on my screen in the shape of my head and my paper work wiggles with tree branches in wind. I really think shadows and silloettes are two of my favorite things.

1/15/09

Finding random cash in my pockets is my favorite thing about old coats.

That and they are always SO much more comfortable than I remember them. But, finding money is like free money. I always spend it right away but it is always so exciting! I found two dollars in my pocket and was at this beautiful design store called greenhouse. They were having a 75%off sale for all of their holiday things. So I bought this creepy/wonderful owl to sit on top of my cookbooks guarding them. And he only cost $1.78! Wonderful.

1/13/09

LOST messes with my head. Allot. I need to stop watching three episodes a night, but I really wanted to re-watch all of them before the season premiere (next week...3 hours long...ohh my!). I think my priorities are twisted.
ps. I am making Dharma themed food.. everything out of cans...you know cool stuff. Maybe jello in syringes to save us all from 'the sickness'...ooo excited!

1/12/09

To be able to actually perform a piece of slam poetry I need to train for it. I am overwhelmed with Terror.... my first training will be at Rumors, I think it is time I popped my karaoke cherry...and I will end with a pose like this one. It seems fitting for an empty gay bar on a week night with only a few close friend around...oh and the infamous and DRUNK DJ Poops....Rumors and most likely Billy Joel, or the Beatles! Here I come....beware

1/11/09

I have been noticing them everywhere. 1. Because I am terrified. 2. Because I am intrigued. 3. Because I can't get this out of my head.

Also, I wrote a whole post about each of the women in my family and how beautiful they each are pregnant... I wrote about good syle (all of them...seriously), statuesque beauty (Eliza) and fit/healthy strong pregs, cutest bump (Summer), perfect shorty pregnant with the best hair while pregnant (mom, with summer), only super tall (ok so tall to me) prego who looks beautiful and non alien while pregs (stephanie)and looks like anthro threw everything cozy and wonderful on her and it somehow worked out into the best outfits ever. ANYHOW I wrote that..it was long, and perfect and not this dumb awkward shorty post that I mean as super complimentary but due to my anger with the pc (notice its not capitalized because my work computer dosen't deserve that!) might come off mean...but its not meant to be.

The final beautiful picture of a pregnant woman I have had on my mind in my grandma. One of my favorite pictures is of her Pregnant with my Mom, it is so beautiful.

1/10/09

The man who runs the big antique store on Holly St. is much younger than he looks. He eats spaghettios out of the can/cold very often. I have been there quite allot lately and every time he is eating it. I come in the morning, afternoon and evening-never consistent. But he is always eating it. The woman who runs it is my favorite. She always sits at an old table organizing Christmas balls or little nick-knacks. She look like the woman from Poltergeist with the crazy hair and the crazier voice. She sweet and told me that sometimes the framed pictures have other even older pictures behind the one that the previous owner liked best. and that sometime the pictures behind them are dirty, she said she tosses those suggestive dirty ones...but I spied a stack of vintage naked ladies in a back corner near the sink and coffee maker.

1/9/09

Running in circles is so hard. I hate watching where I am and where I am trying to get to. No matter what, if it is a track or even just a loop like Green Lake or Lake Padden I am finished before I even get going. I think having little markers like... "just to that stop sign, up the last big hill or we can make it to the next light" are so much easier for me to attain than... "just once more around the WHOLE thing". I admire people who can run in a loop... or I think they are crazy and sadistic... not sure.

1/8/09

I admire people who are happily married for years. Charlie and I make a point to talk to lots of older couples at our church and ask them about their marriages, not in a creepy "hi, I am Autumn and I need to know the secret to your 40 year union? Thanks!" but just once we have gotten to know someone we both try to urge out a little information. My findings are... 1. the longer they have been married and the more successful the marriage the less prodding needed to get them to open up about the good and bad times. 2. there are always bad times of some measure 3. (this one really got me!) they all said that they had time that wasn't good, and the time was counted in years.In the dating world this wouldn't happen, a bad week in college and its over, a bad month and your killing yourself to stay with this person; there isn't the mentality to stay no matter what. I swear, every time I talk to couple they look at each other and get a sweet sore look in their eyes and say "yes the 1-5 years (or 2-7th or 12-14th...) were pretty tough". The other thing is they make no apologies, no trying to cover this, no "but seriously it really is perfect now" it is just a season in their relationship that they weathered and came through. Things are great right now for us, 6 whole months in. But marriage has this funny thing about it...you can't leave. You share a car, a home, a bank account and everything in yourself. There is no way out. That thought catches in my throat sometimes, but then when I think back to these beautiful couples with wrinkled hands and adorned left ring fingers I know these thoughts aren't new, my thoughts aren't the first, I am not the first young wife wondering just when it will get bad or if I can really do this. The spring time growing season we are in now is wonderful but I take great comfort and have faith that even when all the leaves fall off and were left bald and stripped ugly we will have faith and love and the assurance that the vows we made are true. And I will know that the spring time I experienced in those first few months (years I hope) will be just around the corner.

1/7/09

People and fans and waves. Bellingham is a little bit of lake right now, puddles on campus are taking over spaces where once we just tripped over sunken bricks. Standing in the rain I am doubting the reality of SAD (seasonal affective dissorder). Or maybe if you live here you just come to embrace it. But I stood there in the rain, hat on, marmot jacket on and boots definately on and watched it. People fan around puddles and skirt them like a pool when you little and scared of the deep end but as they came to the shallow bit I swear to you that they all made a little splash. A little puddle lover in all of us. It reminded me of my niece and her telling me about jumping in puddles and getting "all wet, up all over me body!" and the glee that came pouring out of her with each puddle story. I think us Bellinghamsters are getting there. The rain is sinking in so deep that we are getting rain days off school. Kids are waking up and checking the windows for puddles in the same way I used to look for big fat white flakes that meant busses weren't running. We are there. A puddle loving, splashing group of hamsters.

"The Day the Earth Stood Still" and more....

Today marks day two of winter quarter 2009. I wasn't excited about any courses until today. Yesterday I went to my film studies class...hmm Science Fiction and the Apocalypse films. Not quite my cup of tea but I am trying to get into it. Today I will be watching "The thing from Outer space" and "The Day the Earth Stood Still" both from 1951 both wonderfully epic according to my silly professor who looks like big bird.
Today however, I got excited. I went to my first class of the day (after 2 hours of terribly mind numbing/creativity killing work) and got my first taste of Slam poetry. The course it meant to research how slam came about, how it is developing and where it is moving. We also will be writing/performing multiple times during the quarter. Today we had a guest come and perform and it was beyond moving. I thought of slam poetry as falling on either the rap side of the line or more toward "wo-man, woooohhh-man. Hard hearted havenger of haggis" kind of line (So I married an axe murder). I was picturing beat boxing or dejembe playing. Not at all what I got. Instead this giant burly man from Hawaii walked in with a deeper than ocean voice and performed. Beautiful, moving, alliteration, slant rhyme, variation of speed and tone and volume...all rolled into one spoken song. I cried right there on the spot. Blame my sensitive nature on it. Or blame him for writing about a puppy at one point. But this was intense stuff, made me really ready and excited to tackle a new style/genre of writing that I have never attempted!
After that class I hightailed it, through the rain that seemed really ordinary but has somehow shut down all school in Bellingham (other than WWU) and has put Whatcom into a 'state of emergency!', and made it to the far end of campus for my final class of the day. Advanced fiction writing...ok. So, I eeked my way through intro to fiction because of having a horrible teacher who maybe was 20 years old and I just was mean and got through based on speaking well in class, not based on writing well. I made it through by writing nonfiction and changing the names, I am no fiction author. But I need the class for graduation and it was being offered by a prof I get along with well, and like allot. So....I'm in. That brings me to the point of this new blog. For this class we are doing a quarter long project that entails making an observation of your day and writing it down at 4:51pm every day. I decided I would do this with a new blog...new year...new class...new project...seemed about right. I may not post at 4:51 on the button everyday but I will post what I write down for the observation at some point. Also, I think it is high time I make one blog and just post everything on it, no more creating crazy very specific ones. So here you are. 4:51 project, some recipes most likely and just musings. Now some work and some monsters attacking earth...and a thing from outer space falling to Antarctica about to thaw out...WATCH OUT SCI-FI HERE I COME!